I give up

It has been one of the weeks that I am to blame for everything that goes wrong. I can't always be it. I am tired.the egg shells hurt sometimes too.

Finally seeking help

Yes, he took me up on going to a counselor.  I hope it helps.  I feel like dancing on the moon!

Falling

I am falling or maybe I should day I am being pushed off a cliff. No control.

The lull....

How long will this last?  He is super depressed but not gambling.  I am enjoying the reprieve, but hate to see him so sad. 

Circles

My life is a circle of good, bad, depression and around and around we go.  I want to put my head in the sand. I am angry and scared all the time and can only escape the anxiety with sleep.

How can I get it to stop

I just don't get it, I don't know how to stop it, I don't know how to help, I only know I am very angry and frustrated!  Again today, not even noon and $120 gambled away.  We have $177 to last a week and a half.  at this rate by tomorrow we will only have $57.

a weekend off

I love when the schedule does not allow for gambling, but I know that isn't long lasting.  Here we are just hours from the family leaving and he is back at it.  $80 in about half hour. I just want to scream.  Why do I have to be the monitor of the money.  I feel like making identical withdraws every day he does this.  Does he feel the anxiety or is it just me.  I asked him this morning to not go and to keep in mind we need to pay the mortgage.  I guess the selfishness is too much.  I watched hs father this weekend ruining a nice weekend due to his alcohol addiction and think to myself what did I expect that maybe that he could overcome what his father did to him. I guess the apple did not fall to far away from that tree.

$20,800 - imagine what that could buy!  imagine being out of debt,  I can't because my hard earned money is going to the pockets of those who own those poker machines.  What do you say when your husband comes home excited he won $200.00 when you know that is a drop in the bucket of what has and will be gambled away.  And then to find out two days later the money he said he would deposit is not and another $80.00 is gone.  I sit here feeling alone as I can't tell anyone...... Can't talk to him because it makes him gamble more, can't not say anything because it makes him think it is okay all the while my anxiety level is nearly at a heart attack level.  I start this blog as means to get it out of me and maybe come to, I don't know come to what.  What do I want?